Im back!

I havent posted anything since March and a lot has happened. A few weeks before going to new clinic I received a copy of all my notes from old clinic and in this was a letter to my GP advising them that my second IVF attempt had failed and that they were recommending donor eggs for future cycles. I was devastated, this was the first I was hearing about it as I hadnt been for my WTF appointment yet. After many tears and why me's we decided that if this was the only way we would get our baby we would give it a shot. I had the usual worries about donor egg; would I feel like baby was mine, what if it looked exactly like donor and nothing like OH, would we tell everyone and what would we tell any child born, it was all a bit overwhelming. We decided we would talk about it more with our new consultant at new clinic.

We went for this appointment at the end of May and they too advised that donor eggs was the way forward. Our options were going on their waiting list which can take 9 months +, going to a clinic in Spain they work with or use a known donor. We were very keen on the clinic in Spain but this would cost a lot more than we had so would have to have saved a little more. We were put on their waiting list anyway and came away from appointment with all the details re clinic in Spain to have a think about it all.

A few days later we had a few people offering to donote eggs for me. I couldn't believe that people would want to go through all the treatment and egg collection and was very touched by everyone that offered. We had 3 what I am calling serious offers, one from a very good friend (you know who you are and I am so thankful for you thinking of me) one from a family member's girlfriend but I felt she was very young and a friend of my sister who has always wanted to donote eggs and had offered to help me when I first started my treatment a couple years ago. After much thought we decided to go with the friend of my sister, she had finished her family and her hubby had the snip, I felt she was close enough but not too close that she would be in my life afterwards etc. So we met up and talked it all through, just to make sure she knew what she was getting herself into and I contacted clinic soon after to say we had found our donor!

That was at the end of June and she had bloods done to check her AMH level and that she was suitable to donate. Thankfully she was yay! and after some counselling and more bloods we have now started our donor egg cycle. I have only needed Prostap injection to down reg and I am now on Progynova HRT and I have progesterone pessaries for just before and after transfer. Donor also had prostap and has today started her stims eeeekkk.

I was at clinic today for scan to check on lining which is looking good and Im all set to go for transfer. Egg collection is looking to be around 21/10 and transfer 5 days later, so I could be PUPO by the end of the month :)

Having a treatment break

IVF2 was another fail, zero fertilisation yet again. I was gutted, really felt like giving up.

Egg collection this time round was certainly more painful than the first. I woke up towards the end of it and I could feel definite stabbing pains on my left side ouchie. I was also very sore after it and the next day which I never had first time round. When embryologist came to see us before we left and told us only 1 of my 5 eggs was suitable for ICSI I knew then it wasn't going to work. She told me to call them the next day around 10am for fert report but if it wasn't great news they would call me. So the next morning I sat there waiting on the phone call.. and at 9.40 I got it. I didn't even cry, I knew it was coming. My eggs just weren't mature enough was the explanation I got.

After this came Mother's Day... I thought I would be fine. I had arranged to go visit my sister with some flowers for our Mum, her ashes are at her home still. But the tears started when I was getting ready as all I could think about was Mum and my Mother In Law who we also lost last year. Along with 2 failed IVF attempts it has made me realise just what we have been through in 2012 and its really taken it out of me. I need a break.

I received an appointment card yesterday for our review appointment, I think anyway no letter just a pink card with an appointment date on it, its for 24th May! Don't really feel like going to it but I suppose to hear what they have to say will be useful. I have already contacted another clinic and booked in to go see them also at end of May. The consultant there recommended I take DHEA for 3 months so I started that just over 2 weeks ago. We have also booked a little holiday to Majorca in June and hope to start my next cycle after that. So for now we are taking a break and looking forward to our next cycle with a new clinic.

IVF 2 (ICSI)

Its been a few weeks since my last update so here goes :

I got my prostap injection on 4th January and started gonal f injections on 23rd January these ones seem to be a lot more painful than last cycle not really sure why, maybe I am not being as gentle as then and I have some lovely bruises on belly.  I am praying both of my ovaries play ball this time so I can get a decent amount of eggs. This cycle they are doing ICSI due to the lack of fertilisation last time so fingers crossed I will get to transfer.

I am due back at Clinic on Friday 01/02 for a scan & bloods to see if I am ready for Egg Collection and if I am it should go ahead on Monday 04/02 :) back at Nuffield as my clinic's lab is still closed. Im not complaining its very plush and we got treated very well last time.

While I was there for my Prostap the Nurse mentioned that she thought this was an NHS cycle as they had brought all the March appointments forward! I wasnt notified. Anyway she checked with the consultant and it was agreed that I could get this cycle on NHS (I still had one more go anyway) so the other day we got a cheque in to refund our money yay!

Another reason I hadnt updated as much during this cycle is my Mum passed away on 23rd December. It was pretty sudden after a week in hospital. She was diabetic and her blood sugar had gone through the roof and they also thought she had a stroke. She was in a diabetic coma for 5 days and her kidneys started to fail. The consultant told us she wasnt to to get better and gave her days. On the Friday when my sister and I went in to see her she was awake and sitting up, we couldnt believe it. We had one day with her and I am so glad she woke up so she knew we were there and we had a chance to speak with her. The next day she developed an infection in her chest and started deteriorating quickly and we were told it was only a matter of time now. She was starting to get some pain so they gave her some morphine to help and she was also on oxygen. My other sister and aunt came back to the hospital and we stayed with her until she passed away in the early hours of the Sunday peacefully in her sleep.

I did have second thoughts about carrying on with this cycle but as I had already paid (this was when I thought it was still a private cycle) I knew there would be charges for cancelling and I knew my Mum would want me to go ahead with it.


Next update next week when I hopefully have good news re eggs collected an fert report :)

Private Cycle IVF/ICSI

I am back with an update; my next round of IVF will be a lot sooner than March 2013 woohoo! After calling my clinic and saying we would pay for a cycle as I couldn't wait until March for my review appointment, they have confirmed I can go ahead and pay and I can start on my next period (which should be here within a week). All we need to do is pay upfront, still waiting on the bill coming through though, and I call when AF comes and get booked in for my prostap on day 21. I think day 21 will be the end of first week in January so hoping I will be cycle buddies with the lovely Hopeandpray2011 who will be starting her 3rd attempt in January too and we go to the same clinic, just think we could be be enjoying that private room with tv and lunch at the Nuffield around the same time :)

This time around we are doing ICSI due to the zero fertilisation last time. I am praying this will work and we will at least get 1 good fertilised egg. I am also hoping my right ovary behaves and actually produces some eggs this time as last time only my left worked. I was already on highest dose of Gonal F so dont think my drugs will change, think the only change will be ICSI. Looks like I wont get a review appointment either maybe they will go over things at my prostap appointment, not sure.

So it back to waiting for AF to come, then counting down the days to Prostap.

I really need this time to work, cant even bear to think how I will feel if it fails, just need to try and stay positive.

When is my review appointment?

Just a quite update....So after waiting (im)patiently for 2 weeks after the failed fertilisation I called the clinic last Tuesday to check when my review appointment was going to be. When I finally got to speak to someone they didn't have a note of my appointment and went to find my notes and said they would call me back. They didn't so I  called them back the following day to be told I hadn't been reviewed yet and to call back on Friday as they were reviewing my notes then. So at just after 12 on Friday I called to be told they want me to come for a clinic appointment and the date for that was 8th March 2013! Eh? really I need to wait 4 months from failed IVF to be reviewed? I didn't really know what to say. The nurse was very apologetic and said all she could suggest was I call at the end of every week for a cancellation. I said ok and hung up then burst into tears. I felt awful and couldn't believe I would need to wait that long and when would treatment start then, April? May? or further away. Is this because it's NHS and not Private? I text my husband and tried to pull myself together but I just couldn't stop the tears. I had to work on the reception that afternoon too and I knew if I had one awkward patient I might loose it. Luckily it wasn't too bad and i held the tears in until I was in the car coming home.

All weekend I was in a bit of a state to say the least, we have talked about it and have decided that we want to go private for a cycle to see if I can get taken any sooner. We don't have any savings but my husband was left some money after his mother passed away earlier this year and we are going to use some of that, I think she would like the idea that she is helping us get our family.

So I called back today to enquire and I hope to hear back tomorrow - she took some details, gave me a rough price and said she would request my notes and get back to me - so here's hoping I can start again a hell of a lot sooner than March and will be doing ICSI.

I have waited 4 years for this I know 4 months doesn't seem a lot but to me it's forever.

Fertilisation Report

I got up just after 8 today, keen to call the clinic to find out about my eggs. I couldnt call until after 9.30 and also wanted Hubby to be there. He got up at 9.30 so we called soon after. After I confirmed my date of birth the embryologist said "I dont have very good new for you" my heart sank. She told me none of my 4 eggs had fertilised. I had 3 mature eggs and 1 that wasnt quite mature enough but the sperm was great she said it was trying to fertilise and she really had no reasons as to why it hadnt happened. I was gutted. I was shaking my head to kind of let hubby know and he was asking what is she saying. I just started to cry. She asked if I wanted to speak to a nurse or take a few minutes and call back. I said I would call back as I was in no state to speak to anyone. My poor hubby, it took me a few minutes before I could explain to him.

Its so unfair, why me, why cant one thing just go right.. that's what I kept thinking. Took me about an hour before I could call back and speak to a nurse and when I did she was lovely, as usual, told me she was heading back to The Royal that afternoon and she would take my notes back and pass them to medical team for them to go over everything and see what went wrong etc. I will get a letter in the post for my review appointment where they will go over things. I asked if they would do ICSI next time and she thought that would probably happen.

Its my 35th birthday tomorrow so I think I deserve a large glass of wine or two :)

All my twitter friends and real life friends have been amazing and so supportive, I love you all.

Egg Collection 13.11.12

I woke up at 5.15am this morning I actually slept pretty well, thought I would be awake all night. I just got up and had my shower then got hubby up. We left at about 6.30am as we were travelling to a different clinic as our clinic has some problem with their lab and its closed so we were heading to The Nuffield in Glasgow and had no clue where it was. We found it ok after going round in circles in the wrong street a few times, its basically a big fancy house in a residential street.

We checked in at reception at about 7.15 and a lovely man in a waistcoat showed us to our room, yes we had our own private room with a bathroom and tv woohoo (don't get that on the NHS) We sat in there for about half an hour until a nurse came to see us. She went over some medical details with us and took my blood pressure and said I could get changed into my lovely gown. We were second on the list so hopefully not too long to wait. I was getting very nervous, just waiting but was glad we had a room to ourselves to wait in. Next the anaesthetist came in and went over more medical stuff and explained what would be happening, he was lovely. The doctor that was doing the egg collection was from the Royal (our own clinic) and he came in and went over the procedure and any complications that can arise etc. There were also nurses from the Royal there too and they also seemed to be loving the fancy surrounding and thought they should keep working there forever :)

We were then asked to move room, we were put in room 3 but they like us to be in the room number to match when we are going to theatre and since I was going second we had to swap rooms with the couple in room 2. They were pretty much the same - still lovely. It wasnt long before they came for me, just before 9am, Hubby and I said our goodbye's and I went to theatre and he went to do his very important part :) I had to confirm my name and date of birth to two women through a wee hatch who were obviously in the lab and then I got to lie down. I was still pretty nervous but all the nurses were lovely and then the anaesthetist, Dr Miller (yay I remembered one name) came in. He got started putting the cannula into my hand and started asking me about my job. I remember getting my legs strapped into the stirrups, lovely, then feeling the anaesthetic going in and my arm feeling tingly then my face and a nurse saying enjoy your sleep and that was that.

I woke up back in my room with hubby at my side. I heard hubby asking the nurse "so we got 4 eggs" and I asked about my right ovary, they did check but there were no eggs there. After the nurse left I asked hubby how did you know we had 4 eggs and apparently I had asked her already but I do not remember haha. I felt fine just a little crampy and sleepy. They left us for a while then a Nurse came back in to check on us and bring me some water and to say there was a lunch menu and she was sure we both got to choose something. I just had a plain cheese sandwich and some tea, hubby got scrambled eggs and smoked salmon muffins, fancy!  After a while I got up to go to the toilet and I felt fine, we watched a bit of telly until a nurse came back to say we had to get more blood taken as there was one blood test that The Nuffield wanted done that hadnt been done at The Royal, Hubby was not happy about this at all, he hates needles, bless. I was allowed to get dressed then though and we were told the embryologist would come and go over things before we could go. The embryologist from The Nuffield and The Royal came in and after a little mix up with files (they had the file of the woman who was in the room earlier) she went over what had happened. So we have 4 eggs and she was happy with that and told us they would mix hubby's sample with them that afternoon and I was to call them in the morning (Wednesday) just after 9.30am to see how they were getting on. She said they usually have a 60% fertilisation rate so really praying for 1 or 2 to fertilise. If only 1 or 2 do they will probably get put back on Thursday but if more then they will leave to Friday to pick the best 1 or 2 to go back. She did ask us about how many we want back but I was told at previous appointments that only 1 would go back and they would do 2 if they were not great quality. She said we will wait and see how they fertilise and take it from there. The only thing I am worried about with 2 is if they both do implant and I go on to have twins, how the hell will I afford it! So I guess I will see what they say in the morning and take it from there, we may only get 1 fertilised or we may get none. I need to be prepared for all outcomes but im trying to stay positive.

So far this afternoon I have layed on the couch and watched some telly, had a nap, hubby made dinner and I have my hot water bottle as still a bit sore and just going to have a nice relaxing evening.